Thursday, October 27, 2011


Not gonna lie, it's been a fairly cruddy day. Yesterday I had an old lady be rude to me at the train station. I deserved it-- I left my bags on a bench rather than putting them on the nasty wet ground while I waited for my ride. I let her and her friend have the seat I was going to sit in but left my bags out of thoughtlessness, germaphonia, and a whole host of other stupid reasons. Rather than ask me to move my bags, she made a really cutting remark as they left. She probably had a bad day, her feet hurt, there was a big group of them and she wanted to be alone. But I chose to be selfish and leave my bags. She chose to be nasty about it when leaving when there was no way to fix the situation. She could have noticed my distraction (racing from door to window), she could have asked me to move them. But she didn't. And I wasn't noble, thoughtful, smart, kind, etc. enough to do it on my own. Now I am dwelling and trying to forgive myself for being dumb and her for calling me out on it in a mean way. But it's really hard.

Today is gray, drizzle as far as the eye can see. I have a looooong post-vacation to-do list and part of this included getting my dance shoes looked at because part of the heel came out. I called the dance shop and he told me to come by and he could work with the shoe company from there. I thought I adequately explained what was wrong with my shoes on the phone (the spindle and rubber bit on one heel came off) but apparently jot. I walked the two miles out to the shop (other errands meant going via foot rather than bus was less confusing). I showed him the shoes and he lectured me in a thick accent on how this is just wear and tear and how could I expect him to do anything and why was I wasting his time and he couldn't believe I would even bother him with this. I said okay about 20 times and walked out pretty much in tears. I didn't know that dance shoes wear out so quickly-- my Capezios lasted though two musicals and three months of swing dancing. These lasted two months. When I tried to explain my other shoes lasted much longer and thus I expected these similarly-priced and -advertised shoes to last as long but obviously not, I will just go now, sorry to bother you--  he continued to rant about how I wasted his time and it was just wear and tear. Ug. I felt so stupid and so looked down upon.

Between those two encountered, the long drizzly walk, and immense wave of homesickness, I found myself despising Lincoln (because people are so much nicer back home... Not so much. People are people everywhere and they are grumpy or rude or thoughtless everyday, everywhere. Welcome to the fallen creation known as Earth.) And because Oxford and Stratford are so much prettier. And there I could be the young American tourist. Here I have to be something of an adult.

I picked up the box from my mom, found a coffee shop and had peppermint tea while opening the box and reading the comics, which did actually make me laugh. And I put on my music and got two great songs right off the bat: Let it Go by Superchick and Sunrise by Brandon Heath. Now Falling out by Reliant K is on.

I just got back from a great trip around England and I loved the trip. But I didn't make time for my usual Bible study routine and my exercise routine while away, so my spiritual barriers were down. Little things have jerked me sharply back to reality and my emotions are not at all being logical. I feel like I'm on this roller coaster of being really happy and wanting to collapse and cry (yeah, the whole month thing doesn't help). Today, and last night really, I jut felt wry homesick and weary, very much under attack. On my end, I have gotten back into my Bible study and prayer routine, I've got my Air 1 (Christian radio) mix on my iPod, and I am going for a nice jog this afternoon. Could you please be praying for me? I have a month and two weeks left and I refuse to let Satan pull me to pieces. This trip to England is not about me-- it's about living my life for Chris, about sharing Him with the kids that come to our church, and about pouring my gifts and strengths into strengthening this church. God doesn't need me but e gave me this awesome opportunity. So please pray I stand strong and not be afraid to share my struggles. Pray thy God reveals his face and power to me and then through me. Pray that I just feel better.

Thank you for reading, for caring, for praying.

I would like to be praying for you as well-- just let me know what I can pray for.

Thank you.

Internationally yours,

PS sharing all this rather than bottling it up has helped as well. Thanks for reading.

PPS Since writing this, I looked around my room at all my cards, listened to some really good music, had lunch, and cleaned my room. I feel much more sane now. But the whole point is that what I feel doesn't matter! God is in control and it is what He feels and He wants that I need to be focused on. And in the end, what is a terrible, horrible, no good day really depends on my perspective and how I chose to react to what I cannot change!

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